Stevenisms: 8-31-02

Scott got a bunch of free stuff from a computer nerd convention and gave steven a pen light, stress stick, a little fan, some pens, etc. the next morning, scott went into the boys' room to get parker up to feed him. when he opened the door, steven flashed him in the eyes with the pen light. steven has not seen the pen light since.

steven's dad called on my cell phone to talk to steven. i took the opportunity to remind steve that i couldn't enroll steven in the only decent school in selma until he paid some child support. when i turned the phone back over to steven, he said, "dad! what ever you do, don't send the money!!!! i like the school i'm at!"

on the way home tonight, we passed a train just sitting on the track. we had a great view of the engine. i pointed it out to steven. he said, "wow! cool! there's even a person in it. what is he waiting for?" i don't know. "maybe he's waiting for midnight." why would he be waiting for midnight? "i'm awake until midnight every night and i hear a train then."

so to make sure this scenario is clear for you, steven's cruel parents send him to bed hours before he falls asleep and a train somewhere sits on the tracks waiting for midnight to blow its whistle while steven lays sleepless in his bed.

i briefly held the title of 'greatest mom in the world' because i got steven the last piece of the spy kids II toy he was trying to put together. steven withdrew the title a few moments later when i refused to look at any more picture of toys he wanted me to buy him in a catalogue he found in my truck. 

Parkerisms: 8-7-02

at walmart this evening, parker repeatedly wriggled out of the child restraint on the shopping cart (but since this cart resides in the south, it is technically a "buggy"). fearing he would fall out of the cart, i moved him from the childseat to the basket and sat him amongst the groceries. (to perpetuate scott's theory on my 'warped stories': i read about a woman who had her son in a shopping cart when it overturned and he ended up with permanent brain damage and had to be sent to an institution because he wasn't even functional. therefore, i am skittish about kids in carts already.) **tangent courtesy of my tendency toward becoming a clone of my mother--have you heard her tell a story?**

ANYWAY! once he was in the basket part of the cart, he began playing with a jar of baby food. seemed harmless. so continue shopping. clever kid makes the jar more interesting by pitching it over the side of the cart onto the floor where it shatters into many non-geometric shards and splatters. fascinating! where's the other jar! grrrrr. mom got it first.

parker loudly expressed his disagreement when i put the other jars into the 'child seat' portion of the cart. surprisingly, he was unable to retrieve them. surprising because i'm beginning to think that those chubby little arms actually telescope to allow him to reach incredible distances. i have to maintain a 3 foot radius around him (not diameter) as a safety zone if he is in a fixed position (restrained). if the child is only 2 feet tall, how can his reach be 3 feet? i plan to measure his arms if i can ever keep him still long enough. i'm beginning to think that his sticky little fingers defy the laws of physics. babies must be a product of science fiction. i could put him the middle of an empty room and be staring right at him, yet he can cause a catastrophe before the light waves enter my pupils and are transmitted to my brain. so before i even see him move, he has dumped indelible liquid on the carpet or stuffed some revolting object in his mouth.

those with weak stomachs may not want to read this next bit:

he tried to swallow a roach! further demonstrating his super powers since we all know how fast roaches move....

i think he did it, not just because it was the grossest thing he could think of at the moment, but also because it would create the most havoc as the rest of the family shreiked and flailed about uncertain how to react to something so gruesome.

if babies weren't so cute we would store them with the biohazards