Stevenisms: 5-24-01

I told steven he was going to the doctor the next day and that he should think of anything he needed to talk to the doctor about. i told him that he could have the doctor check his chest where he was hit with a soccer ball (he wanted a chest x-ray, but the doctor confirmed that he didn't need one), we would tell the doctor that he often complained of a headache (usually when he didn't want to do something like pick up his room), and we would tell the doctor about his cough. i asked if there was anything else. he thought a minute and said that he would tell the doctor "sometimes i have to pee really bad. like when i ate that really big popsicle."

He told his teacher that "mommy needed medical attention because the baby kicked her so hard." actually i had gone to urgent care for an asthma attack. we can never tell if he didn't understand or if he just felt like telling a story.

He finally earned the money for mothra which he refers to as "six inch mothra" and has shown scott how big six inches is. so i called and ordered mothra. he was anxious for mothra to arrive and talked about how far it is to new york and how long it would take to drive mothra down here. when it didn't come for 3 days, he came to the conclusion that they had to make a mothra specifically to fill his order. THEN they sent the wrong mothra. it was larva mothra which looks like a big slug. he wanted to keep it and order the other one too. i didn't want to pay an extra $15 for a slug. so i packaged it to return it. he helped put it in the mailbox. before bed, he came into my room and asked if i thought they were done making the other mothra. i didn't feel like getting into a discussion on commerce, so i just said i didn't know. he came back a few minutes later and asked if i thought they had picked up the mothra from the mailbox yet. i told him that the mailman only came once a day and he wouldn't come until tomorrow. he wanted the mail man to drop off the correct mothra when he picked up the one in the mail box. i told him that the wrong one had to go back and then the replacement would be sent. he asked how long it took to get to new york. i told him about 18 hours. he asked how long that was. i said it is all day and most of the night. he was very frustrated that it would take the mailman so long to drive mothra to new york and then come back with his replacement.

to be continued...

his teacher told me that as the year comes to a close, he is anxious about going to first grade. he has told me that it will be too hard and no fun because they have to do work all day and not have recess. he has told his teacher that he isn't going to do any more of his kindergarten work because he didn't want to go to first grade. he wants to stay with ms. hite in kindergarten.

one day when he got into trouble at school, i was questioning him about his behavior. when i told him that he needs follow the rules and asked why he broke the rules he said, "i forgot! i wasn't being bad. it was just a forget! and that's not being bad! it's just a forget!"

he hugged me at a store and said, "i want my baby brother out now." he wants the baby to sleep in his room and he said he was going to read to the baby.

he was playing with godzilla when he was supposed to go to sleep. godzilla's tail came off and he couldn't get it back on. he got out of bed and brought it to scott who getting the hang of this parenting stuff and knew not to give the toy back to him. he told steven to go back to bed. steven said, "and then you will fix godzilla and then i can get up and come get him." scott said 'no. go to sleep. you can have it back in the morning.' steven said, "remind me in the morning so i don't forget godzilla." like we believe he will forget godzilla.

his 'slender grandma mary' gave him a little bear he calls 'softy bear.' it sleeps with him. he got very upset when he couldn't find softy. i was trying to read him a bed time story and he was so agitated over softy that he couldn't even sit still and listen. so i finally pulled the bed out from the wall and looked for softy. steven tucked him in and we were able to go on with the story. steven tucks things he likes under his pillow. he has rocks, books, and toys under there.

after the battle of "godzilla versus sparkle (the labrador)" where godzilla suffered his first loss in history, mom had to go get a godzilla replacement. in the mean time, steven cried that he couldn't have godzilla's tattered remains in his bed. i told him to take his grumpy rugby teddy bear to bed with him. he didn't want to and i told him that the bear was sad that steven never slept with him. steven stopped crying and took the bear to bed. i was folding laundry in the hall and could hear him talking to the bear. i had to take the clothes into his room. when i went in, he told me that the bear said he was cold and wanted to be under the covers. since then, steven has put all of his stuffed animals into his bed and refuses to remove any of them. he doesn't want to hurt their feelings. now there is barely room for steven and i have no place to sit to read him his bedtime stories. but big brown bear, softy and the rest of the fuzzy crowd are quite comfortable.

when scooter (yorkie) was to sleep in steven's room, he was in his carrier. steven put the carrier in his bed facing him so the dog could see him. he then covered the carrier with his comforter so scooter would be comfortable.

steven gets rather upset when bugs bother him in the yard. he comes inside and says he can't go out because "there is a black-bottom bumble bee!"  

Stevenisms: 5-21-01

this time it's in writing! as those who know steven are well aware, steven tends to talk A LOT! he is getting in trouble at school, so we are trying to teach him to control his urge to talk. i set the timer for 1 hour and told him not to talk until the hour was over or i would set it back and he would have to start the hour over. i told him that if he really needed to communicate, he could write it down. since he is only in kindergarten, he doesn't have adequate spelling abilities to express his needs. the following are his communications during that hour (with translation in parenthesis):

1. Wi du We haf to go git the sokr hsrt on Munday

(Why do we have to go get the soccer shirt on Monday?)

2. ("k" and "kan" are crossed out as he figured out that it starts with "c")

Can I hld the dog Wol u brush it

(Can I hold the dog while you brush it?)

3. Can I git u pop-sikl

(Can I get a popsicle)

4. Can I git the dog's thiu to put it on it!

(Can I get the dog's thing (inverted 'n') to put it on it?--he was referring to the dog's hair clip)

5. (asked if he wants an apple:)

if sha r green

(not sure what 'sha' is, but he meant if the apple is green he wants it)

6. Can I go alt sid

(Can I go out side?)

7. (told to write his address:)

1104 Rivrwok Way 29063

(1104 Riverwalk Way, skipped city and state and put the zip code)

8. (told to write the city and state:)

We did not do Rmosal 29063

(we couldn't figure out what he meant, so told him to write it again)

We did not do Rmo Salth CoRUlinu

(now we got it: We did not do Irmo, South Carolina (when he had to write his address earlier))

If you think I am demanding to make him write his address, it was one of the things that was part of his end of year kindergarten testing and will be expected at the beginning of first grade. he also is required to know how to do research on the internet. my boss can't even do research on the internet! so, yesterday, he researched frogs and butterflies.

when i was giving him a bath, he was telling me how much he loved me. he said, "i love you more than the sun. well, more that the moon, anyway. but the sun gives us light. you know." sigh. i just can't compete with the sun. light is so necessary. you know.

we made gingerbread men yesterday. he ate the gingerbread legs first so the gingerbread man couldn't run away. he said that it would be running funny since it would be running on its hands. i ate it's stomach and then took the next piece up. he said,"you just ate his ribs." gotta watch out for those gingerbread ribs. you could choke on one of those ribs. i hear they are good with barbecue.

i acted like i was going to put icing on his nose. he laughed and asked me to really put a dot on his nose. so i squirted a bunch of icing on his nose and then made him icing eyebrows. they were crooked, so when he looked in the mirror, he said, "i'm the angry gingerbread man!" i had to laugh every time i looked at him with those icing eyebrows and big white nose.

he mopped the wood floor in the living room Sunday. i went out to look at it. there were little footprints all over where he walked over the area he had just mopped. we'll have to work on that.

I previously wrote about his tirade on slavery when he had to pick up sticks in the back yard. he is apparently gathering support for his munchkin revolt. when i went in for the end-of-year conference with his teacher, she told me that another boy in the class very dramatically protested to her that "you treat us like slaves! you make us do so much work and you don't even pay us." i can only imagine what else he has his classmates telling their parents.  

Stevenisms: 5-14-01

scott told steven he would take him to play soccer sometime this weekend. steven said, 'all day!?' scott said, 'no. we would get hungry.' steven said, 'we can take food.' scott said, 'we would get tired.' steven said, 'we can take a blanket!'

steven's little dog, scooter, was sniffing around the kitchen floor and steven asked, 'is scooter still a crumb hunter?'

he brought me a pamphlet about some soccer camps from 8am to 12pm this summer. i told him that those wouldn't work because scott and i can't pick him up that early. he said, 'that's okay. i'll just stay and practice until you get off of work.'

steven was still working on his final chore to get the money to buy his mothra toy. this was the second time he had to go around picking up the sticks in the yard since he didn't get finished the first time. i was raking leaves and he asked, 'am i a slave?' i said, 'no. slaves don't get paid and you are getting paid.' he said, 'i don't like being a slave. do slaves get paid if they do more that what they were told to do?'

later at a restaurant, he asked, 'are the people who work here slaves?' i said, 'no. they get paid to work.' he asked if there were any slaves in the world anymore. i said there were some places. he asked, 'who gets paid to watch the slaves?' i said that i wasn't sure. he asked who watched the restaurant workers. i said that the manager did. so he looked for the manager when we were leaving to see if he was watching the workers.

while dining, steven wanted another straw. they were sitting on a ledge about 8 feet from our table. steven crouched down and tip toed over to the straws and stealthily snatched a straw and tiptoed back to the table like he was in some kind of cartoon.

while discussing how to dispose of all of the leaves in our back yard. 'trash' was mentioned, and steven piped up, 'trashy people are bad. they should recycle.'

while eating his pancakes, steven looked at me, opened his mouth wide and shoved in a whole scoop of butter. a minute later he made a face and spit it out and exclaimed, 'i thought it was whipped cream!' dastardly restaurant employees snuck that butter in along the whipped cream! evil slaves!

steven is always asking for toys and such. i tell him, 'get a job.' so one day, he looks at me and in all seriousness asks, 'what kind of job can i get?' i thought about it a while and realized i just lost clever come-back. darn kid is willing to work!  

Stevenisms: 5-8-01

i asked steven what color bear he got at school on friday (a daily behavior grading system where green is good, yellow is not so good, and red is bad). he said, indignantly, "green! and i didn't even get any PRIVILEGES!"

i asked if he would like to go to the beach one weekend. he said 'no.' i asked why not. he replied in a 'duh' tone of voice, "the ocean is SALT WATER." and looked at me like i was out of my mind. if anyone could cure me of my ignorance, please tell me the problem with salt water.

i asked him a few days later why he didn't want to go to the beach and he told me that there were too many people and there was no food at the beach. so i promised not to lose him and to bring some food along. still wondering about the salt water.

he wanted a toy and i told him he would have to do chores to get the money. he was picking up sticks in the back yard and asked me to help him. i said, 'do you want me to get the money.' he said 'no.' so i told him he had to do the chore. a little later i picked up a few sticks for him. he asked frantically, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" i said, 'i thought you wanted me to help.' he said, "are you going to take the money?" i said, 'no. you can still have the money.' a little later, i was pulling weeds and he was still picking up sticks. he called over, "i thought i was going to get a little help here!"

he asked what i thought flipper was doing. i said i had no idea. he asked if i knew who flipper was. i said that i did not. he said that it was his fish. (the fish was previously unnamed.) i said that i thought he was blowing bubbles. he said in his usual 'boy are you dumb' voice, "he is a fish. he doesn't blow bubbles." and i thought that was fish bubble gum i saw at Petsmart the other day. dumb me. i asked what he thought the fish was doing. he said that he thought flipper was "swimming around the bowl having a good ol' time."

i'm allergic to the cat so we keep it confined. the cat doesn't like this policy and works at the door until she gets it open. one morning when she was awol, i told steven to put her away. as he carried her through another room i heard him tell her, "I put you away once already! Now don't come out again!" i'm sure that cat was contrite.

we drove out a road near our house looking for a particular business. the scenery changed from suburban to country. we saw cows grazing in a hilly pasture. i told steven to look at the cows (i'm sure you all know how fascinating it is to watch grazing cows--snore). steven looked out the window and exclaimed, "WOW! Cows! We must be in Texas!" Texas!? I knew we should have stopped for directions.

steven had his school pictures back and they turned out great; much better that i had expected. he is in a nice sweater with neatly combed hair holding the new class rabbit. the background is a pretty country porch scene. i showed everyone at work and everyone agreed that they were good pictures (under no coercion from me of course). when i picked him up from school i told him that everyone at the office agreed his pictures turned out well. he asked what they like about them. i said that he had on a nice sweater, his clothes are clean, his hair is clean and tidy, and he's a handsome boy. he asked disappointedly, "No one likes our new rabbit?" uh, yes of course they like the rabbit. i forgot to mention that.

steven was playing on the internet on the fox kids site. scott walked in and saw that he was about to send an e-mail to the green power ranger which read, "i like you."

we have a cute little yorkie who was rescued from a crack house. he is about 2 years and was already named scooter when we got him. i took the dog along to pick steven up from after care at his school. his best friend, christopher, rather rudely asked why he would name his dog 'scooter.' i was about to say that he already had that name when we got him when i heard steven saying with some indignation, "because it is a COOL name!" better than my answer. i kept my mouth shut.

steven wore a coon skin hat to the grocery store one evening. an elderly lady stopped and asked him if he was daniel boone in that hat. he said, "i'm not wearing a hat. this is my hair." she was taken aback.

steven went along with scott to the hair salon when scott was getting a trim. when scott's trim was done, the stylist asked steven how it looked. steven said, "it looked better before." scott worriedly looked in the mirror. scott later told me about it and said, 'he really had me going there for a minute.' i asked if steven was kidding or serious. scott replied, "i'm still not sure."

in the car one day, i said that i needed to find the clip for my hair. steven said impatiently, "if you were really serious about doing your hair, you would buy a snap clip." i suddenly realize he was watching entirely too much tv. but it was too late. he was already convince the needed a leg pillow and a memory pillow.

steven was kicking a soccer ball around with scott and one of scott's friends, adam. adam kicked a shot that caught steven right in his chest. for the first time in his life, steven had his breath knocked out. pretty scary to not be able to breath for even a second when you are six years old. that night he told me that he didn't want to go to the soccer camps this summer because soccer was 'too dangerous.' i assured him that kids closer to his size would not hurt him as bad as a 260 pound adult who is 6'2". the next day he asked if he "could get a chest x-ray to make sure nothing is broken." i said that i couldn't take him for an x-ray until i got his insurance card from his dad because x-rays are expensive. he asked if he could call to remind his dad to send the card. i said, 'sure.' he said, "can i call him when he isn't there and leave a message so he doesn't laugh."

last week i had to call steven's teacher to request another copy of his homework sheet. i sheepishly told her that while the dog didn't eat the homework, he did jump up on the table and knock over a glass of milk onto the paper. when the milk dried, it glued the paper to the table to thoroughly that soap, water, and goo-begone were not able to get it off. scott had to scrape the homework off the table with a razor blade. apparently our dog feels he is too intelligent to eat the homework and found a more efficient and effective method of destroying homework. or perhaps he felt that eating it was just too cliche'.

okay. go live your lives. but for those of you with the stamina to reach the end of my babble about steven, thank you for your attention.