Stevenisms: 5-8-01

i asked steven what color bear he got at school on friday (a daily behavior grading system where green is good, yellow is not so good, and red is bad). he said, indignantly, "green! and i didn't even get any PRIVILEGES!"

i asked if he would like to go to the beach one weekend. he said 'no.' i asked why not. he replied in a 'duh' tone of voice, "the ocean is SALT WATER." and looked at me like i was out of my mind. if anyone could cure me of my ignorance, please tell me the problem with salt water.

i asked him a few days later why he didn't want to go to the beach and he told me that there were too many people and there was no food at the beach. so i promised not to lose him and to bring some food along. still wondering about the salt water.

he wanted a toy and i told him he would have to do chores to get the money. he was picking up sticks in the back yard and asked me to help him. i said, 'do you want me to get the money.' he said 'no.' so i told him he had to do the chore. a little later i picked up a few sticks for him. he asked frantically, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" i said, 'i thought you wanted me to help.' he said, "are you going to take the money?" i said, 'no. you can still have the money.' a little later, i was pulling weeds and he was still picking up sticks. he called over, "i thought i was going to get a little help here!"

he asked what i thought flipper was doing. i said i had no idea. he asked if i knew who flipper was. i said that i did not. he said that it was his fish. (the fish was previously unnamed.) i said that i thought he was blowing bubbles. he said in his usual 'boy are you dumb' voice, "he is a fish. he doesn't blow bubbles." and i thought that was fish bubble gum i saw at Petsmart the other day. dumb me. i asked what he thought the fish was doing. he said that he thought flipper was "swimming around the bowl having a good ol' time."

i'm allergic to the cat so we keep it confined. the cat doesn't like this policy and works at the door until she gets it open. one morning when she was awol, i told steven to put her away. as he carried her through another room i heard him tell her, "I put you away once already! Now don't come out again!" i'm sure that cat was contrite.

we drove out a road near our house looking for a particular business. the scenery changed from suburban to country. we saw cows grazing in a hilly pasture. i told steven to look at the cows (i'm sure you all know how fascinating it is to watch grazing cows--snore). steven looked out the window and exclaimed, "WOW! Cows! We must be in Texas!" Texas!? I knew we should have stopped for directions.

steven had his school pictures back and they turned out great; much better that i had expected. he is in a nice sweater with neatly combed hair holding the new class rabbit. the background is a pretty country porch scene. i showed everyone at work and everyone agreed that they were good pictures (under no coercion from me of course). when i picked him up from school i told him that everyone at the office agreed his pictures turned out well. he asked what they like about them. i said that he had on a nice sweater, his clothes are clean, his hair is clean and tidy, and he's a handsome boy. he asked disappointedly, "No one likes our new rabbit?" uh, yes of course they like the rabbit. i forgot to mention that.

steven was playing on the internet on the fox kids site. scott walked in and saw that he was about to send an e-mail to the green power ranger which read, "i like you."

we have a cute little yorkie who was rescued from a crack house. he is about 2 years and was already named scooter when we got him. i took the dog along to pick steven up from after care at his school. his best friend, christopher, rather rudely asked why he would name his dog 'scooter.' i was about to say that he already had that name when we got him when i heard steven saying with some indignation, "because it is a COOL name!" better than my answer. i kept my mouth shut.

steven wore a coon skin hat to the grocery store one evening. an elderly lady stopped and asked him if he was daniel boone in that hat. he said, "i'm not wearing a hat. this is my hair." she was taken aback.

steven went along with scott to the hair salon when scott was getting a trim. when scott's trim was done, the stylist asked steven how it looked. steven said, "it looked better before." scott worriedly looked in the mirror. scott later told me about it and said, 'he really had me going there for a minute.' i asked if steven was kidding or serious. scott replied, "i'm still not sure."

in the car one day, i said that i needed to find the clip for my hair. steven said impatiently, "if you were really serious about doing your hair, you would buy a snap clip." i suddenly realize he was watching entirely too much tv. but it was too late. he was already convince the needed a leg pillow and a memory pillow.

steven was kicking a soccer ball around with scott and one of scott's friends, adam. adam kicked a shot that caught steven right in his chest. for the first time in his life, steven had his breath knocked out. pretty scary to not be able to breath for even a second when you are six years old. that night he told me that he didn't want to go to the soccer camps this summer because soccer was 'too dangerous.' i assured him that kids closer to his size would not hurt him as bad as a 260 pound adult who is 6'2". the next day he asked if he "could get a chest x-ray to make sure nothing is broken." i said that i couldn't take him for an x-ray until i got his insurance card from his dad because x-rays are expensive. he asked if he could call to remind his dad to send the card. i said, 'sure.' he said, "can i call him when he isn't there and leave a message so he doesn't laugh."

last week i had to call steven's teacher to request another copy of his homework sheet. i sheepishly told her that while the dog didn't eat the homework, he did jump up on the table and knock over a glass of milk onto the paper. when the milk dried, it glued the paper to the table to thoroughly that soap, water, and goo-begone were not able to get it off. scott had to scrape the homework off the table with a razor blade. apparently our dog feels he is too intelligent to eat the homework and found a more efficient and effective method of destroying homework. or perhaps he felt that eating it was just too cliche'.

okay. go live your lives. but for those of you with the stamina to reach the end of my babble about steven, thank you for your attention.