New Labels for new content

Click on the "Katy" label to the right to see all of the Stevenisms/Parkerisms. They are posted from the original dates, so most are at the very beginning of the blog, although I just uploaded them.

Also, Katy wrote them, so blame the lack of capitalization and any other errors on her. :-)

Stevenisms: Katy commentary

okay. just looked at your web site. needs some work. you now have more pics of my georgeous children. so where are they?! and where are the rest of the stevenisms and parkerisms? what do you think i have these kids for? TO BRAG ABOUT! to live life vicariously. everytime someone says parker is cute b/c he flashes them a big smile, my ego grows. everytime i crack someone up regaling them with stories of steven, my ego grows. now get on there and post the stuff. and what happened to the pics of ben and nathan's band? your site is getting boring. and put up a picture of scooter. and write some stuff about him. he's even cuter than the baby. i've concluded that my second offspring is 'funny looking.' he's really cute and lovable and cuddly. but he is 'funny looking.' and he has a girly face. everyone always calls him a girl. adding insult to injury: i wanted a girl. i got a boy. no lace, patent leather mary janes, pink, barbie dolls, hats, bows, pink curtains, dress up.... yet people call my little boy a girl. i might as well put him in dresses. at this age, it won't harm him. good thing i was already living vicariously through steven. i think i would get real messed up trying to live through parker. when parker is older and other kids are teasing him, i will have steven to KICK THEIR A--! review the movie "crocodile dundee." a little guy is sitting on a log and a guy with a big automatic gun comes out of the woods and says, "you should have brought a gun instead of a beer." he replies, "naaaw! don't need a gun. i have a donk." gunman says, "what's a donk?" HUGE guy with one tooth and a squinty eye pops out of the woods and says, "i'm donk." and knocks out the gunman. if i feed steven properly, he will be six feet tall. if i get lucky, he may pick up an inch or two. that will make me at least as tall as the average guy, vicariously of course. mmmwwwaaaahahahahahahahahahaha!  

Stevenisms: Colinism

colin is the son of my friend kristine who is a single mom and doesn't have time to type up all of the cute things colin says. but he is full of them. so i have stolen two that i just can't get over. colin had a shot at the doctor's office which the nurse covered with a band aid. that night, his step-mom got him ready for his bath. when she went to take the bandaid off, colin became frantic and told her that if she removed the bandaid "all of my blood will come out." kristine was driving with colin one day and asked him how montessori school was that day. he worriedly told her that "the teacher wouldn't let me breathe." kristine suspected this was not a case of abuse, but thought she had better inquire anyway. colin explained, 'while we were standing in line the teacher told us not to move. she said, 'don't even breathe.' i tried to hold my breath. i nearly died!' with all of these perils in colins life, it is a miracle he is still with us!

Stevenism: Baby fear

I recently discovered that there is a group of individuals more feared than terrorists. someone unwelcome in the homes of the average American, striking fear into the heart of all just by entering an abode. Who is this fearsome one?

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THE BABY! Just threatening to bring the baby to someone's house could cause a coronary. The potential victim will blubber nonsensical excuses in wild-eyed panic. "Uh, my house isn't set up for kids." "We really don't have room for a baby to visit." "We don't have any baby stuff." what is it that babies do to cause this panic? Try handing the baby to someone. do they hold it like a grenade with the pin pulled? Even parents of older children are at a loss when handed a baby. Why? I mean, diaper science has come so far. Well, I suppose there are other worries. Let’s venture into the mind of someone who has just been handed a baby:

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! is it going to puke on me? how am i supposed to hold this thing? look at all that drool! oh my god! i have drool on my shirt now. what is that smell?! what if it's diaper leaks? what does it want? it just keeps squirming and making that noise. what if someone thinks i'm hurting it? what if i drop it? what if it cries? or worse yet screams? now it's smiling at me. what do i do? how do i keep it happy? if i talk to it, someone may see me. i'll look like an idiot! why is it staring at me like that? do i have something on my face? am i so hideous? oh, no! what was that noise? did it just fill it's pants? how long until it leaks out all over me? don't i need some sort of cloth on my shoulder? or a blanket on my lap? shouldn't i have some toys to distract it? now it's reaching for my food. what do i do? if i refuse, it's going to start crying. no! not my glasses! these were $300! they're bending! please let go of my glasses. no! not my hair! that hurts, you little.... do they all think i'm being mean? why did they hand me this kid? when is someone going to take it back? what did it just smear in my hair?

better yet, imagine the fear of someone faced with the treat of a baby entering their home:

i don't know if i can take all of that screaming and crying. how will i sleep with a baby screaming all night? i really need my sleep. and then after going sleepless all night, to spend the day chasing after the baby as he pull all of the breakables onto the floor, and eats the poisonous plants, and gets into the cleaners and medicines. he'll scare the pets. and what if the pets hurt him, or he hurts them? there are so many sharp corners here. how will we keep him from getting into things and getting hurt? my nerves just can't take this. he's going to stain the upholstery and carpet. how do i politely tell them to keep him away from the new couch?

and now, i poses one of these fearsome creatures. oh, the havoc i could wreak. the fear i can instill. the fun i can have watching unsuspecting victims squirm. i can just sit and watch the terror build while i pretend not to notice. mmwwaaahaahaahaaahaaaaaaa!