Stevenism: Baby fear

I recently discovered that there is a group of individuals more feared than terrorists. someone unwelcome in the homes of the average American, striking fear into the heart of all just by entering an abode. Who is this fearsome one?

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THE BABY! Just threatening to bring the baby to someone's house could cause a coronary. The potential victim will blubber nonsensical excuses in wild-eyed panic. "Uh, my house isn't set up for kids." "We really don't have room for a baby to visit." "We don't have any baby stuff." what is it that babies do to cause this panic? Try handing the baby to someone. do they hold it like a grenade with the pin pulled? Even parents of older children are at a loss when handed a baby. Why? I mean, diaper science has come so far. Well, I suppose there are other worries. Let’s venture into the mind of someone who has just been handed a baby:

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! is it going to puke on me? how am i supposed to hold this thing? look at all that drool! oh my god! i have drool on my shirt now. what is that smell?! what if it's diaper leaks? what does it want? it just keeps squirming and making that noise. what if someone thinks i'm hurting it? what if i drop it? what if it cries? or worse yet screams? now it's smiling at me. what do i do? how do i keep it happy? if i talk to it, someone may see me. i'll look like an idiot! why is it staring at me like that? do i have something on my face? am i so hideous? oh, no! what was that noise? did it just fill it's pants? how long until it leaks out all over me? don't i need some sort of cloth on my shoulder? or a blanket on my lap? shouldn't i have some toys to distract it? now it's reaching for my food. what do i do? if i refuse, it's going to start crying. no! not my glasses! these were $300! they're bending! please let go of my glasses. no! not my hair! that hurts, you little.... do they all think i'm being mean? why did they hand me this kid? when is someone going to take it back? what did it just smear in my hair?

better yet, imagine the fear of someone faced with the treat of a baby entering their home:

i don't know if i can take all of that screaming and crying. how will i sleep with a baby screaming all night? i really need my sleep. and then after going sleepless all night, to spend the day chasing after the baby as he pull all of the breakables onto the floor, and eats the poisonous plants, and gets into the cleaners and medicines. he'll scare the pets. and what if the pets hurt him, or he hurts them? there are so many sharp corners here. how will we keep him from getting into things and getting hurt? my nerves just can't take this. he's going to stain the upholstery and carpet. how do i politely tell them to keep him away from the new couch?

and now, i poses one of these fearsome creatures. oh, the havoc i could wreak. the fear i can instill. the fun i can have watching unsuspecting victims squirm. i can just sit and watch the terror build while i pretend not to notice. mmwwaaahaahaahaaahaaaaaaa!