Stevenisms: Katy commentary

okay. just looked at your web site. needs some work. you now have more pics of my georgeous children. so where are they?! and where are the rest of the stevenisms and parkerisms? what do you think i have these kids for? TO BRAG ABOUT! to live life vicariously. everytime someone says parker is cute b/c he flashes them a big smile, my ego grows. everytime i crack someone up regaling them with stories of steven, my ego grows. now get on there and post the stuff. and what happened to the pics of ben and nathan's band? your site is getting boring. and put up a picture of scooter. and write some stuff about him. he's even cuter than the baby. i've concluded that my second offspring is 'funny looking.' he's really cute and lovable and cuddly. but he is 'funny looking.' and he has a girly face. everyone always calls him a girl. adding insult to injury: i wanted a girl. i got a boy. no lace, patent leather mary janes, pink, barbie dolls, hats, bows, pink curtains, dress up.... yet people call my little boy a girl. i might as well put him in dresses. at this age, it won't harm him. good thing i was already living vicariously through steven. i think i would get real messed up trying to live through parker. when parker is older and other kids are teasing him, i will have steven to KICK THEIR A--! review the movie "crocodile dundee." a little guy is sitting on a log and a guy with a big automatic gun comes out of the woods and says, "you should have brought a gun instead of a beer." he replies, "naaaw! don't need a gun. i have a donk." gunman says, "what's a donk?" HUGE guy with one tooth and a squinty eye pops out of the woods and says, "i'm donk." and knocks out the gunman. if i feed steven properly, he will be six feet tall. if i get lucky, he may pick up an inch or two. that will make me at least as tall as the average guy, vicariously of course. mmmwwwaaaahahahahahahahahahaha!  

Parkerisms: 8-7-02

at walmart this evening, parker repeatedly wriggled out of the child restraint on the shopping cart (but since this cart resides in the south, it is technically a "buggy"). fearing he would fall out of the cart, i moved him from the childseat to the basket and sat him amongst the groceries. (to perpetuate scott's theory on my 'warped stories': i read about a woman who had her son in a shopping cart when it overturned and he ended up with permanent brain damage and had to be sent to an institution because he wasn't even functional. therefore, i am skittish about kids in carts already.) **tangent courtesy of my tendency toward becoming a clone of my mother--have you heard her tell a story?**

ANYWAY! once he was in the basket part of the cart, he began playing with a jar of baby food. seemed harmless. so continue shopping. clever kid makes the jar more interesting by pitching it over the side of the cart onto the floor where it shatters into many non-geometric shards and splatters. fascinating! where's the other jar! grrrrr. mom got it first.

parker loudly expressed his disagreement when i put the other jars into the 'child seat' portion of the cart. surprisingly, he was unable to retrieve them. surprising because i'm beginning to think that those chubby little arms actually telescope to allow him to reach incredible distances. i have to maintain a 3 foot radius around him (not diameter) as a safety zone if he is in a fixed position (restrained). if the child is only 2 feet tall, how can his reach be 3 feet? i plan to measure his arms if i can ever keep him still long enough. i'm beginning to think that his sticky little fingers defy the laws of physics. babies must be a product of science fiction. i could put him the middle of an empty room and be staring right at him, yet he can cause a catastrophe before the light waves enter my pupils and are transmitted to my brain. so before i even see him move, he has dumped indelible liquid on the carpet or stuffed some revolting object in his mouth.

those with weak stomachs may not want to read this next bit:

he tried to swallow a roach! further demonstrating his super powers since we all know how fast roaches move....

i think he did it, not just because it was the grossest thing he could think of at the moment, but also because it would create the most havoc as the rest of the family shreiked and flailed about uncertain how to react to something so gruesome.

if babies weren't so cute we would store them with the biohazards  

Parkerisms: 1-25-02

parker likes sucking his thumb so much that if his collar or blanket get in the way he screams. we always have to make sure he has access to his thumbs. when he is nursing or drinking his bottle, he tries to put his thumb in his mouth at the same time. this gets a little messy. he just wants it all at once. if he is particularly anxious, he sucks both thumbs at the same time. when he is neither tired nor anxious, he will suck his fingers. like me, he believes that if a little is good, more is better. so he has been known to suck all 8 fingers at one time. life would be supremely happy for parker if we could make milk come out of his thumbs. his bedtime routine is sucking his thumb, laying in his vibrating bouncy seat, watching his 'fishies' listening to brahm's lullaby, and either playing with his hair or gripping his covers or clothes. a crib seemed so necessary before he was born.... now it is just a very expensive changing table. some babies develop a bald spot and a flat spot on the back of their head from laying in the crib. parker has a bald flat spot, but it is off to the right side because he prefers his right thumb and turns his head to the right to suck that thumb.